How to prepare for nursing. The following is an article that was taken from a parenting magazine years ago after I nursed my daughter. Starting out was one of the roughest things I have ever done in my life. I ended up nursing her for 21 months, J for 24 and am just starting out again with P and it is one of the most rewarding experiences as a mother but honestly painful and @ times discouraging and draining. I hope you enjoy and get a laugh or two.
How to PREPARE for Nursing
1. Gently rub your nipples with sandpaper.
2. At bedtime, set your alarm clock to go off every two hours. Each time it rings spend 20 minutes sitting in a rocking chair with your nipples clamped with a pair of chip clips.
3. Draw branching lines all over your chest with a blue-green marker and stand in front of your bathroom mirror and sing "I Feel Pretty."
4. Open your already crowded freezer and make room for five dozen plastic milk bags.
5. Fit the hose of a vacuum cleaner over one breast and set on "medium pile." Turn off vacuum when nipple is three inches long. Switch breast.
6. Obtain "DO NO CROSS" tape from your local police station and wrap firmly around your chest. when your spouse asks about it, say, "Get used to it."
7. Tape a water balloon to each breast and squeeze into a maternity bra. Repeatedly hook and unhook the nursing flaps with one hand while using the other hand to balance a sack of squirming puppies.
8. Dine in the fanciest, snootiest restaurant you can afford, making sure to arrive with a big wet spot directly over each nipple.
9, Record your mother proclaiming, "Just give the baby some cereal like God intended and and she'll sleep right through the night." Play in an endless loop at 1 A.M., 3 A.M., and 5 A.M.
10. Slather your breast with peanut butter, top with birdseed, and stand very still in your backyard.
11. Go someplace public -a museum, a courthouse,, the steps of your office building-and stuff a lifelike baby doll under your shirt. Use the doll's arm to suddenly hike the shirt up past your collar bone. Lower shirt. Feign nonchalant smile.
12. Suckle a wolverine.
CONGRATULATIONS!!!! You are now ready to nurse a baby. Maybe!
(Melissa Balmaain, a freelance writer)
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